Confronting Yourself

Dear Ami,

Feeling down and depressed lately you said and you don’t know why? Depression comes in different forms but there’s always, in most cases, a single root where it sprouts. Pinpointing that root and confronting it could bring about a release. I’ll like to share something that has helped me deal with depression in the past.

I believe depression is a matter of the heart and only the person going through it understands the heart of that matter. Therefore, opening up and confronting yourself will help you find closure and release. And since we cannot shout or throw tantrums at ourselves, it becomes easier to confront ourselves. All you need to do is take a moment with yourself and a notepad. You talk heart to heart with yourself and pen down every thought and emotion be it positive or negative and start questioning yourself: why do I feel this way? Is there a solution to how I feel? Am I going to be stuck here forever till I meet my end? Is there a way I can change or shake off this feeling and take my life back? And then, you break everything down to the smallest atom and the result will amaze you.

Look at the bright side my friend.

Yours always,
La Joya.

Belief system

Dear Ami,

An experiment was performed in which flying insects were placed in a closed jar. For a while, the insects flew to the top and tried to get past the lid of the jar, but after struggling for a time, they stopped trying and only flew as high as they could.

Offspring born to these insects now residing in captivity never saw their parents fly above a certain level. Later, when the lid of the jar was removed, even though the insects could have flown out of the jar, they didn’t. They were born in captivity and never knew they could fly above that one realm of existence.

This in a way explains why some folks are the way they are because they only see through the conventional lens and belief systems passed down to them by generations before them who never thought to look beyond. They see life in black and white and can’t take initiative. And like invincible chains, those belief systems can imprison them forever.

So, my dear, like the insects from the experiment could not fly above a certain level, in the same way, we cannot climb above the ladder of our belief system. Except we consciously question those beliefs and be humble enough to put them aside and embrace a new perspective, we will remain trapped in the jar…limited.

Yours always,



Dear Ami,

I’m so sorry for your loss. I can’t claim to understand how you feel, but I understand loss. I know what is like to lose a loved one. Also, I know we all grieve differently but please allow yourself to grieve. Grief is not a sign of weakness, it is the price of love.

On this note, I’ll like to leave you with these words from Zoe Clark-Coates and I hope it revitalizes your body and soul.

“The world often states that grief gets less over time, but I beg to differ. Grieving is a lifelong process. It’s layers of love, pain, disappointment, memories, dreams, and so much more.

What happens is we get stronger. We get better equipped at carrying the weight. We learn new skills to adjust our balance, so we can function while journeying with this substantial loss.

So if you battling with the pain of grief, I say this to you; I hope today your grief muscles gain strength and the weight of the pain feels less.”

Yours always,

I Can’t Deal

Tired. After a long day, I got back home exhausted and in an attempt to cool off, I turned on my TV to follow up on my favourite reality show; KUWTK. But the show wasn’t airing just yet so I kept tuning in from one channel after another buying time until I stopped at this channel, where a psychologist was being interviewed on the topic of rejection and its effect on the total well-being of a child.

“The emotional soil our roots are planted has a bearing on our entire lives. Every child during their formative years should receive the idea of love and acceptance in the strong protecting arms of their father and the warmth and emotional affection of their mother. Because it is during those formative years of their lives that they receive the message of identity. A child brought up in a loving atmosphere and home faces future relationships with security and confidence. And if for some reason love and acceptance were not properly communicated during those formative years, it is interpreted as rejection and chances are they’ll face all other relationships with fear, mistrust and insecurity,” she said.

Baffled. I thought, could this be the case with me? Does my emotional soil have a bearing on my fear of opening up to her about my concerns with our relationship because I’m afraid she might pull the plug on the whole thing and reject me altogether? Or am I simply clueless about the kind of relationship I want or does her financial stability and sense of independence pose a threat to me? Honestly, It was exhausting trying to make sense of the situation, but I concluded I was going to have a conversation with her.

A week later, we went on a lunch date and while we were waiting on the waiter to bring our order, I told her I had something to discuss with her(to which she smiled and said, okay). For a selfish man like me, I’m learning how to share you with the many other things you have going because I believe in us, I said. I continued, …and for a guy who doesn’t wear his heart on his sleeve, I’m being very open. All I’m asking is that you invest a little of your time into making us because sometimes I feel like I’m in this alone. Since we got here you’ve barely taken your eyes off your phone and it’s the same while we are at home together. We’ve been dating for a year and three weeks and I can count the number of times we’ve spent alone without distraction and it’s getting the worse of me.

Oh wow, Felix! Where’s all of this coming from? How are you comfortable saying these things[her voice breaks]? “You’re in this alone?” Since we started, I’ve spent every weekend at yours except on occasions when I’m not in town. Eased off on activities to make room for us and you said, “you’re alone in this!”

I didn’t mean for it to come out that way…[I tried to explain, but she won’t hear it.] You know what? She continued…you’re being too possessive and insecure. Go find yourself, I’ll meet you there. I don’t have the mental stamina to deal with insecurities. And, call me when you’re ready to have this conversation again and please don’t come by my house.

She took her purse and walked out.

Happy New Month

Dear Ami,

It’s the start of a new month; the month of February. A month labelled as the ‘month of love’, which is also the shortest month of the year by the number of days(28 in common years and 29 in leap years which comes every 4 years—the last was 2020, so the next will be 2024). You know I have a friend whose birthday is on the 29th of February and I always enjoy trolling her that she ages every 4(four) years and that she was going to live forever 🤣🤣.

Well… that said. Let’s get to the heart of today’s letter. There’s something you should know my dear, the people who have your back through thick and thin; inspire and cheer you on and make you believe you have a chance at life don’t always have it all together, but still, they try to be there for you. They smile not because they have a lot to smile about sometimes, shine their light and not because they’re having the best life with no challenges. They have struggles too, but they’ve over time learned not to allow their circumstances to determine the outcome of their life.

So, my dear, while you draw strength and inspiration from them, remember to sometimes lend them your strength too and give them reasons to smile.

Yours always,



Dear Ami,

The greatest mistake you’ll make in life is to continually fear you will make one because being afraid of making mistakes is a mistake in itself. Nobody has life all figured out; we are all walking mistakes.

However, if we dwell on our mistakes or avoid making them, like invincible chains they will bind and imprison us forever and stop us from forging forward or taking new initiatives. But if we approach them as an opportunity to learn, we can break them and set ourselves free. And, the result will be rewarding.

Yours always,



Dear Ami,

It is important in life for one to be aware of both strengths and weaknesses so that one can take measures to further enhance strengths as well as manage weaknesses. However, too many of us overestimate our strengths and undermine our weaknesses and in the end, land ourselves in trouble. I was guilty of that.

“We don’t tolerate weaknesses; we build on strengths” is mostly the watchword in today’s world. But what is light without darkness and darkness without light? How do we show empathy without weaknesses? If we only show strength then the world will be nothing but a bubble. So, my dear, embrace your weaknesses and master them in the same way you enhance and master your strengths.

Yours always,

The Beauty Of Success

Success is elegant; It is attractive. And, like a blazing light, it sets a fire in the heart of those who behold it and create a deep desire within them.— Shazzy

Dear Ami,

Have you ever held a piece of genuine gold jewellery and thought about the process it went through for refinement to be as attractive as it is? My guess is, no! That is exactly what we mostly feel when we see those who are “successful”. We don’t see their struggles or the time they put into attaining that height. We are caught up in their present reality and nothing else. And, that’s a result of the elegance of success—a refined gold shining in its full glory.

As a result of our perception, even when those who by our standard have attained the height of success start to tell stories of their struggles, we tend not to believe them because we can’t conceive the thought of them going through the process they claim. Why? “They don’t look like what they’ve been through.”

In the end, we end up undermining our struggles and little wins because our eyes are fixed on the light shining from the other person’s success. So, be mindful, my dear. Do not despise your little wins or the potholes on your path to success. Keep at it and soon enough, you too, won’t look like what you’ve been through.

You’re always,

This Too, Will Pass

This too, will pass.
It will pass in no time.
It will fade into memory lane.

Tis no use drowning in the shallow waters of momentary turmoil, lurking in the shadows and cold embrace of fear and uncertainty.

It is what it is—
a phase in life, an hour in time, a day in weeks, a year in decades. It will pass.



Dear Ami,

I’m claustrophobic. I always feel the wall closing in on me like a group of lionesses closing in on their prey; slowly covering the gap to box it in. So is my phobia—an ever-watchful eye. I could be in the open field with the soft breeze blowing through my face and still literally gasp for air at the thought of being trapped. Believe me, trapped is where I don’t want to be.
I know it may appear like I’m well acquainted with myself but believe me when I tell you; there are places in my shell I haven’t been. But, the good thing is I’m unravelling and trying to understand myself better every day, so I can better relate with the world and people around me. Why is this important, my dear? It’s because we humans project. It is a mental process by which we attribute to others what is in our minds. However, projection can be both negative or positive depending on the understanding ones self.

So, what are you projecting unto others? Where are the root of your misunderstanding with others and the world around you sprouting from? Write me.

Yours always,